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What stops parents from listening when they find out their child is being a bully? In a word, DENIAL.
ReplyDeleteIt's the same thing that keeps them from apologizing. They believe they must defend their child at all costs! Denial is a self-defense mechanism used by parents because they feel inadequate to handle the situation and they believe that their child's misbehavior means that they aren't a good parent. They don't want to admit that their child has made a bad choice because they think someone will accuse them of being a bad parent so as a result, they choose to refuse to believe that their child has done anything wrong and they defend them at all costs - which in their minds makes them a good parent.
ReplyDeleteA parent that believes that their child is the victim instead of the bully can be very hard to deal with. They feel that their child is being attacked because they have been reported as a bully. It can be extremely hard to help them see that we are trying to help thier child be more successful socially and emotionally. I do agree with Shannon in the fact that the parent can feel it is a bad reflection on them as a parent and that is why they are so defensive.
ReplyDeleteOne of the main things I have learned is many times the child doing the bullying is being bullied at home. Again the lack of parental involvement keeps parents from realizing what is going on in their own home. Another reason I believe what stops them from listening when they find out their child is being bullied or being a bully is they believe it happens to all kids or maybe they were bullied in school and they think this is common. I have also seen in girl drama that many times the underlying issue is the drama that the mothers add to the situation. I remember my first year as a counselor we had a girl that sent birthday invitations to only a "select few." She did not include girls that were not "popular." A few girls that did get an invitation was really embarrased and hurt. They came and talked to me about what had happened. I met with the girl that gave the invitations the next day and explained to her that she should have sent the invitations in the mail so that students were not singled out. The next day the mom was at my office telling me that I would not tell her daugther who or who not to be friends with. I could not believe her attitude. Many times if we take the time to listen to the students who are being bullied or the one bulling we will soon find out the reasons behind the actions.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Robin's succinct answer. Parents very often are in denial that it is indeed their child that is the bully. I also believe that many parents do not have a clear understanding of the various ways bullying can manifest itself in today's culture. From my experience with parents, many still seem to think that bullying is only physical aggresion. However, most of my time spent on this issue is with relational issues between girl groups and also with Queen Bees.
ReplyDelete